Uncle Tommy's Death

On Wednesday, January 9, 2008 8:51:03 AM Library Girl wrote:

Jayme and i really loved the guy, he actually made had a major impact on my life.

Although I was sober for some time, I was screwed up about alot of things . . completely uptight and unhappy . . .
He truly helped me to lighten up . . . helped me to see how the Catholic Church did a job on me . . . so subtlety, screwed up my wiring. I was so surprised when he told me that he still suffered from the same screwed up ideologies . . . that's where my head was back then. He was a recovering Catholic.

Other people in my family basically made fun of Uncle Tommy . . . they laugh at his odd behaviors and it hurts. It hurt me. It hurt my mother much much more. We simply don't see the humor, knowing how the guy was actually hurting . . . hurting so terribly deep inside . . .

My mom didn't get home until nearly dinner time yesterday. She had a nice relaxing day, as if she had gone to a daytime spa for a manicure/pedicure. After her al-anon meeting she had a visit with the foot doctor. I wanted her to have a good dinner before she got the news and was taken away by the big wave of emotion. I helped cook the chicken. I cooked it the way Uncle Tommy taught me. He's the only one that ever gave me any cooking lessons. He can wash dishes too. Apparently you have to do these things when you are living for days out at sea.

We had just finished dinner, and she got the phone call from your dad, I wasn't fast enough to reach the phone first.
I think he was taken back that she didn't know already - about Tom's death. Believe it or not, I'm actually afraid of your dad - in some odd way. He's one of those pedestal people. I thought it best that he tell her. It's basically a protocol type of thing, yet it also seemed appropriate that the news should come over the phone. news of Tommy often came via the phone.

She said needed to be alone, with thoughts of missing him.

When she was ready, I helped her go through her phone book.

First we called Aunt Mary and then Uncle Jack.

They simply extended their condolences. I expected that from Aunt Mary, but not Uncle Jack.

I think he's been suffering from many health issues himself lately. He sounds tired.

My mom understands that Mary has a way of keeping herself detached. We talked about Cathy's condition. Do you know she's recently suffered a stroke? Uncle Lou had some troubles with his pacemaker, as well. I promised to keep Aunt Mary up to date each day.

We finally found a phone number for Joan. She actually answered the phone.
She talked and talked, telling me how she love him so and would have taken him back, how she DID take him back!
You can imagine how heartwarming it is to hear someone speak so affectionately about the guy.
She cried and talked, cried and laughed, she told me about a high chair that is still being used in the family, the X-family.
How Tom had bought a ton of equipment for refinishing it and decided he was going to go into business refinishing furniture, just like the bicycle repair business. How suddenly one day, he loaded all the equipment into the car with some his other stuff and simply took off . . .

She mentioned how something your dad, Tom's brother, once told her gave her much encouragement . . . encouragement to endure . . . how he said that every couple of years, Tommy needed to reinvent himself.

She talked about Donald.

How just last year he had gone to Key West in search of 'his dad.' How he finally tracked him down at the VFW and how the people were very cautious, giving him the third degree. It seems to me that Donald was frightened by what he saw, he advised his mom NOT to go down there.

I think she was telling me something like Donald's wife was on the Today Show demonstrating her ability to build a motorcycle . . I had gotten a little distracted so I wasn't fully listening/comprehending. Did you know that uncle Tommy brought home a bunch of motor cycle parts in some crates and gave them to Donald to assemble a motorcycle, just like a puzzle, when he was just a kid? Uncle Tommy had told me about it. I think he mentioned that Joan didn't quite appreciate it . . . But she was confirming the facts of the matter, and it seemed to me that she is quite pleased with this memory.

Joan said she would have taken a trip to Key West to see Tom if Donald hadn't advised her against it. I think Donald's encounter with his Dad may have affected Michael as well. That's when Joan began to tell me about Michael. She didn't quite understand his relationship with his father . . . but, in detail, she described how he looks alot like his dad . . . the shape of his body . . . she said, he actually has a full beard at this time.

Michael is living in an apartment that is attached to the house that Joan is living in, in Virginia Beach with her new husband. Instead of giving me Michael's number, she was going to have Michael call me. But Michael came to her house while we were still speaking and she let me give him the news. I didn't come right out with it, I told him who I was, introduced myself as his first cousin and told him that he could probably imagine why I was calling . . . I actually didn't give him any details, except about how all the people in Key West loved his dad . . . I gave him the phone numbers.

We spoke for some time . . . exchanged e-mail. He is going to call the detective and the medical examiners and then call my mom later in the day. He will respect all of my mother's wishes - to have a mass in Key West and have his ashes buried in Saint Charles Cemetery with his mother and his father, come the spring. Perhaps we'll plan a burial and funeral mass when it's most convenient for everyone, particularly for the family in Colorado.